Doing good, feeling itchy
People who do virtuous things are always mentioning that they do these things.
For instance, if someone is a regular attendee of a gymnasium, where he or she exercises, then he or she may choose to, when partaking in a conversation about the magical forest of grapefruit, mention that there is at the gym a fellow gym-goer who has a towel emblazoned with pictures of grapefruit. Sure, this towel owner may be wholly imaginary, and they may not even go to the gym, but the point is the gym mentioned at every possible moment, often when it is a superfluous detail.
(Of course, many would say that going to the gym is not a virtuous thing at all – it’s a stupid waste of money and you might as well just go for a sodding walk. I certainly would say that. But that’s irrelevant. Although you’re free to discuss it in the comments without being fearful that I will order my flock of horny potatoes to beat you up.)
I’m about to do that right now – no, not the thing involving violent spuds. I’m about to mention something that I did yesterday, and the day before that, and the day before that too. To wit: bicycling. You lazy couch potatoes were festering lazily on your long-suffering leather sofas, gorging yourselves on deep-fried egg sandwiches, whilst I was aboard my trusty blue bicycle, wrapped in a coat and scarf, wearing a silly tacky crash helmet that makes me look like even more of a twerp than usual.
When doing this on Friday, I noticed a big crowd of people outside the village hall. Very strange. Why the devil would people be congregating outside the village hall? Occasionally, this may be due to some sort of “Crafts In Action” event – but when that’s on, there’s always a bunch of blue flags dangling outside, with the abbreviation CIA written on them. And I always initially assume that this refers to some sort of Central Intelligence Agency, and that there’s some sort of investigation into a giant horny potato killing innocent badgers using machetes made from stuck-together ants.
Maybe that’s what was happening on Friday. Because after all, the non-glue-and-knitting-based CIA wouldn’t advertise their presence with blue posters.
Also, I seem to find myself getting ludicrously itchy when bicycling. At first I’m as smooth and itch-free as a baby’s buttocks, but soon that metaphor changes and the infant who owns the posterior of in question develops the condition known by dermatologists everywhere as “nappy rash”.
(This write-every-day-for-a-month thing is really taking its toll, now I’m re-using bad analogies. Soon it’ll be over, thank God.)
I don’t know why this is. Perhaps there’s an nest of ants living inside my saddle. In fact, that’s the definite explanation. Anyone know of any nice, humane ways to kill ants so that they scream and bleed and wriggle about in pain before joining Mr Beelzebub in Argos Extra?
It could be sweat. But obviously I am such a fit superhuman that I don’t do that. How dare you suggest such a thing? How dare you? What a preposterous suggestion! You’ll be suggesting that I write unfunny and dull and overly-rambling blog posts next.
Phew! Ever I wrote that monolith of dismalness yesterday, guilt has been gurgling in my stomach like a bad case of indigestion. Now it looks like that gurgling will get even louder. But it’ll be more down to the elderly tangerine I scoffed this afternoon, rather than any guilt, because that was brilliant wasn’t it?
If you disagree, I was being sarcastic and ironic and post-modern when I proclaimed it to be “brilliant”. If you are enough of a lunatic to have thought that was a ripping wheeze, please pat me on the back – it’s quite itchy just there, just like it is when I’m doing my virtuous exercise and you, you lazy pilchards, aren’t.
Oh, pilchards. We were talking about them in the gym the other day…
Ronny
23 February 2009
Beats me why this is my favorite article so far from Mr JG!
Crystal
23 February 2009
OK, first thing, I wrote all this out once and my computer crashed and I lost it all. CURSE WORDS AND INAPPROPRIATE LANGUAGE. Bah.
Anyways. This is the second of two blog posts that doesn’t have random web links (links to me, yes?) scattered throughout. So, I have taken it upon myself to be the provider of scattered links. My name is blue and underlined and I feel important. And smug. Very smug.
I admit to not biking. The only bike my family owns is this purple thing we bought when I was eleven. That was quite a while ago. I’m not eleven any more. I’m a fair bit taller now than when I was at eleven. In fact, at my not-too-shabby height of 5’7”, I’d say I am a lot taller now than when I was at eleven. So I don’t bike. But I do walk home now and again, which takes forty minutes, which I think makes up for it. Many would disagree. I don’t give a toss.
Also, I feel there should be some more commenter interaction. Hello, Ronny! Um, I’m not very good at this interaction thing. I could offer you a handshake? Is that still an accepted social practice? Maybe a curtsey?
So, even though I am convinced that this comment isn’t half as good as the last one I did (Computer, I’m glaring at you right now), it is link-spattered and not at all rambling or far too long. I will find a happy medium somewhere.
I bid thee all a fond farewell!
Ronny
23 February 2009
A curtsy would be nice, a <em>curtsey</em> to much. DID YOU NOT USE YOUR SPELL CHECKER before went from table-name-card to how ever those things at dinner parties are called, looking for me?
Nice of you to interact with me, I feel honored and invited. Unfortunately I am not twitterish so we would have to remain here. Joshua is, I guess sleeping; and fine with it.
Something its bothering me: we are two out of estimated 433 daily visitors here. It bothers me. To much. Joshua is not very good in finding new friends.
The third and 189th commenter on the current site has a real chance to win one of these prices.
Now why doesn´t my <i>a href</i> not work here? <em>, <i>, Joshua, Crystal, good night. You too, </em>,</i>.
Ronny
23 February 2009
Almost forgot to put on the blue pajamas.
Crystal
24 February 2009
I think maybe we should see the development of HairyEgg: The Forum. Then we won’t clog up the blog with random social interaction and that.
Also, Ronald (I hope that’s your full name; if it isn’t I think I shall call it you anyway), “curtsey” is the accepted spelling! Even check Wikipedia. Wikipedia NEVER lies.
Unless you’re American, of course, because in America it is ordinary to drop a few leters her an thre. Are you American? If so, I will gladly offer you a curtsy.
Josh
24 February 2009
I Wikipediad (is that a word yet? Whatever, perhaps I’m enough of a culture-jammer to have coined it) it, and “curtsey” and “curtsy” are both acceptable spellings of the same word. I’m told that kissing is the done thing now, although it is a bit awkward – they had an etiquette expert on Radio 5 Live the other day being interviewed about it, I seem to remember, although I paid little attention.
I’d certainly like to strike a happy medium. Perhaps with a carriage clock.
Stop wearing the blue pyjamas, Ronny, old bean. It’s silly. Never do that again.
Josh
24 February 2009
Oh, poo. I managed to spend half an hour writing a comment, by doing things at the same time, and then made myself like even more of a complete and utter prick.
I’ll certainly think about a forum. A blog is no place for social interaction. I think I might get rid of this fucking comments thing altogether, in fact – I have no desire to read your incessant nonsense. Oops, no, that’s Will Self.
I noticed and entered that Smashing Magazine thing before you even linked to it, Ron (ha, let’s try all sorts of different versions of your name just to be annoying). In fact, I’m going to do a competition of my very own very soon indeed – tomorrow, in fact. STAY TUNED!
They’ve already got over 6,000 comments at Smashing Magazine, the popular bastards.
R.
24 February 2009
@C: German, now guess how we like it…
@the other one: I like my blue pyjamas. You are silly. Not me. Silly. I actually never use silly. I use stupid. Or idiot. Sometimes even STOP IT! (mostly followed by running away)
I am silly.
My last comment without invitation on this loner here. I´m so out! (But I am still sorry for your loss.)
Josh
24 February 2009
R, I assumed your blue pyjamas were a metaphor for gratuitously linking to this blog post. As a matter of fact, I think those trousers are very very fetching – much nicer than my Marks & Spencer linen pair.
R.
24 February 2009
I am home, honey. This time for life!
Ronny
24 February 2009
<- Its truly true. East Germany… Ask around.
Josh
24 February 2009
Gluten tag. Sorry, I’m not well-versed in the German language. If only you were French.
Come, sire, let us turn our attentions to the latest and greatest piping-hot writing! There, there lie grapefruit.